Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
