did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
