I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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