grandma shit on top of the toilet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
