how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
