Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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