I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
