i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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