I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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