I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
