Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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