guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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