be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
