Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize