I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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