why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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