I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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