I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize