I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
