woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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