I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize