dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
