I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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