I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
