just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
