this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
