hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize