he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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