when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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