I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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