haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
