he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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