dude i'm inner monologue high
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
