I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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