I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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