I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
