"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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