we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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