I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
