mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
