At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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