if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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