i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
