dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
