i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
