I think I died a long time ago.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
