closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
