i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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