I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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