I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
