either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
