we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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