i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
