I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
