i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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