Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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