A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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