I think I just saw someone hide a body.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
