between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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